What The Fuck is This?

Now, as most of you know - I love metal. As in really love metal. As in, if metal was some extremely hot chick clad in black leather and lace and spikes (which it fucking is) I would marry it. Now, as I went about browsing the inter-webs I stumbled upon this picture of the pop star Rhianna at a Clipper's Game. I know next to nothing about basketball, but a hell of a lot about metal. Can someone please tell me what in the living fuck a pop star is doing wearing the all black pentagram and goat head laden attire that I see here? Am I really supposed to believe that while doing her hair and listening to Venom's Welcome To Hell album, she said to herself "Well, I think I'm going to dress like a metalhead today."

What the fuck? What did the basketball players think? Ah, she's Jay-Z's bitch and he'll break my fucking nose if I say that his woman is just fucking nuts? Some of those basketball players were probably religious guys and they're thinking "WTF? I thought she loved Jesus? That looks like Satan to me!"

What the hell does Jay Z think? I mean, maybe somewhere in the house he's got a shitload of black metal records? "I'm a black man, so I thought black metal was for black people and it turns out that I really like it." Is that what I'm supposed to believe? I'm not trying to be racist, but how in the world does a man who is known for his beats and rhymes all the sudden decide to cross over into the boundaries of metal?

Does he say, "I got tired of listening to rap music and decided to try rock music, but I want something deep and heavy, so I got into Venom and Mayhem."

Sure you did. Sure you did, Mr. Z. What's gonna happen next? Are we finally going to hear black metal destroyed when Jay Z decides to mix it in with rap? What about Rhianna's new pop black metal album?

Well... here's my response to all of this in the form of a country song. And I'm sure you'll agree. Now, it goes a leetle sometin' like this...

"If Black Metal Ever Becomes A Thing"

Well I've heard those people talking
Bout how the media's always changing
First we're talking bout hip hop and now we're talking bout going to the clubs
Well I ain't never been to one, and I don't think that I ever want to go
Wish the radio would quit with all this nonsense
It's only a matter of time before they make everything their own

Someone told me maybe, that they could get a hold of metal too
But not old hair and leather, I'm talking Satan and his buddies too
You might see Bieber wearing, a bullet belt or two, you might see ol' Lady Gaga
Painted up like some corpse painted old fool
Well if that ever happened, let me tell you what I'd do.
Now I'll make it nice and easy, so that you can follow along too

(Well I'm gonna get)
Rip roaring drunk, if black metal ever becomes a thing
I'll strip off all my clothing and jump right into a ravine
(and then I'll get)
Rip roaring drunk
If black metal ever becomes a thing
I tell you that I'll climb the highest mountain, and then see if I can fly

Those same people keep on talking
Bout these pop stars and their love of metal
Heard Demi Lovato's growling but she only did it for a little while
It seems that the media don't take too kind to black metal or the devil's name
They sure don't like church burnings, but I never though that vampires would become a thang

Never thought in my wildest dreams
That people would be cheering and shouting
For damn near naked women, who don't have any kind of damned brains
Don't have to work a day in their life, yeah that's who you wanna be
Because Uncle Sam, well he done fucked us - with his rough economy

(Well I'm gonna get)
Rip roaring drunk, if black metal ever becomes a thing
I'll strip off all my clothing and jump right into a ravine
(and then I'll get)
Rip roaring drunk
If black metal ever becomes a thing
I tell you that I'll climb the highest mountain, and then see if I can fly

But I'll probably die
Oh yeah, I'll probably die

Seeing all those kids dressed up in corpse pain and bullet belts, and then they're wearing the little goddamned spiked bracelets. Then they'll carry around those little plastic battle axes and Wal-Mart will start selling  pentagrams. Man, it's all over then. The world's done gone and fucked itself right in the asshole.

But I'll probably die
Oh yeah, I'll probably die
Cause black metal wasn't made for children
And man, well he wasn't made to fly

Oh yeah, I'll die
But I'll probably be better off
Because black metal wasn't made for children
And it might just be better off to die

I can't sit around and cry. Hell, it'd probably be anarchy in the streets by then.
Sure enough. Just tell the old man, "I didn't kill myself! I just slipped on a rock and fell off, you see."
But then he'd shake his head and probably banish me.

But not to hell, it'd already be on earth. And if that was the case,

(Then I'm gonna get)
Rip roaring drunk, if black metal ever becomes a thing
I'll strip off all my clothing and jump right into a ravine
(and then I'll get)
Rip roaring drunk
If black metal ever becomes a thing
I tell you that I'll climb the highest mountain, and then see if I can fly

Then I'll see, Oh then I'll see, if I can fly!

Geronimo!